So, the CM of Uttar Pradesh, the rape capital of India has dismissed the surge of crimes against women in her state as “Random Incidents”. Here’s the official quote,

“UP is a populous state and we consider such cases as random incidents. It will be wrong to say that such incidents reflect on the ability of the administration”

Very true, with over 199 million people, UP is the most Indian populous state, and the world’s most populous sub-national entity.

Out of these 199 million people, the approximate total number of women would be less than 94 million (now the sex ratio being skewed is a whole new blog post!).

Of these 94 million women, in the last 48 hours, only 6 have been raped – Ofcourse these are random incidents!

I found some statistics around such “random incidents” – mind you, these are only in one financial year and ofcourse include only registered cases. In 2007-08, the state recorded 21,215 cases of violence, including 2,066 cases of dowry death, 1,532 cases of rape, and 3,819 cases of kidnapping.

I have only one question to the authorities concerned – so how many more women and girls should be raped and harassed and killed before we can conclusively state that crime against women is a disease in endemic proportions in so many states of India, especially UP, and needs a coordinated administrative and judicial effort to control it?

Seriously, WTF!

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Before you ask, yes that is a picture from my wedding album. This particular ritual in the hindu marriage ceremony is known as “kanyadaan”, quite inadequately translated in English as “giving or rather gifting away of the daughter”.

The hindu vedic marriage rituals pays a lot of emphasis on this particular ceremony. It is supposed to be the highest sacrifice (maha daan); and therefore, it is believed that parents who have performed the “kanyadaan” for their daughter are relieved of all sins and attain heaven.

(Parents who have sons live longer, my brother jokes!)

What exactly the ceremony entails is that the father holds the hand of the bride, while the mother pours the holy water; the father then places his daughter’s hand in the hand of the groom, as the sacred verses are enchanted in the background.

(And so ladies and gentlemen, the official handover of the seat of power and the reigns of control from the dad to the husband happens!)

From my personal experience, I can tell you that even in fairly modern families where daughters are raised and respected as equals to sons, and the “kanyadaan” is more ceremonial for tradition-sake than actually meaning that the father will no longer have any right on the daughter (and the umbilical cord is forever cut), this is a very very emotional and somber affair during the wedding.

Even though at the back of my mind I knew I was doing this for ritual-sake only, the chants of the priests and the whole ambience – the water, the physical “giving away” - and then when I had to go and sit next to my husband instead of with “my” side of the family - and finally seeing my dad stifle his tears, I thought I’d burst with all the emotions brewing inside or just scream my head off and put a stop there and then!

(Fortunately, or unfortunately, the conformist that I am, none of that happened!)

God, why do weddings have to be so emotionally taxing and exhausting!

And that is precisely the point of this post. Why can’t culture and tradition adapt to the current times. Why go through the elaborate rituals when most of them make little practical sense in the world today, wherein girls are brought up to be as independent as their male counterparts and there is no real need for her to be “taken care of, provided and sheltered” by one man or the other!

C’mon, not that I obeyed my dad to the T before marriage that I need to now “obey” my husband instead. And just because I am married, doesn’t mean dad and mom will mean any less than what they have always meant!

If I am blessed with a daughter, I am not sure I will do this kind of an elaborate and dramatic "kanyadaan” at her wedding, not even for custom-sake. Would you?

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So there has been a lot to write home about the Royal Wedding, complete with the Disney fantasy like feel to the whole event. “Dreams do come true”. Oh well!

Of all the trillion articles and news items on the affair of the decade – ranging from the royal kiss to the ring that wouldn’t slide smooth, from the lovely bridal attire to the over-the-top head gears of the guests, and what not, I thought I should talk about this one: Kate 'will not obey'.

Following Diana’s royal ditch to the royal protocol, Kate decides to steer clear of vowing to “obey” Prince William (I hear he is a Duke now). Instead she pledges to “love, comfort, honor and keep” her husband. A very honest lady! Why promise what you are sure you will not do, even if it is only ceremonial!

While the old school of thought continues to defend the use of the word, “obey”, emphasizing that it is not meant as “subservient” or an excuse for domestic abuse, I’d say one should rather be safe than sorry!

This news piece reminded me of my wedding. Married following the hindu vedic rituals, during the many “mantras and slokas” (vedic chants in Sanskrit) the pandits (priests) were reciting and translating for the benefit of all, one distinct vow or rather instruction to me was that I should never do what my husband prohibits. To do anything I should seek my husband’s permission, even if I want to visit my parents etc.

While the close knit family and friends laughed through it, I looked up to Vish to assure both of us understood that this was only “ceremonial”, and well, not to be taken as the word of law. The indulgent smile from him saved the priests from an argument session, which I am sure nobody had the patience to deal with at 2 in the morning!

Though I absolutely believe in the institution of marriage, I often wonder what an MCP the person who wrote some of these rituals/vows must have been. The inherent assumption that men know better and will do better - And hence, the lesser mortals (read women) should bow their heads in subservience so that these demi-gods can lead us and make sense of our lives.

In this day and age, there continue to be women who live as puppets with their strings firmly held by the husbands. Inequality, domestic violence, verbal abuse – all continue to plague many marriages in many households in India.

We need people to come out in the open and acknowledge the wrong/injustice when they see it. So what if it is dictated by religion or religious texts. Religion is a path to God created by humans themselves – If we can’t change it for the better, who else can?

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While browsing through some news article on my Google Reader, the following ad caught my eye:

A quick Google search, and I bumped into so many matrimonial sites that cater to divorcees or widowed persons who seek another chance at the altar – SecondShaadi.com, Thesecondmarriage.com, doosravivaah.com, indiaremarry.com, and so many more!

So, is India ready for “I do”, a second time?

I will park aside the age-old debate for and against matrimonial advertisements – It makes for a separate blog entry, if at all. I am a fence-sitter as far as this issue goes – At an obvious level, ads seeking “grooms from respectable families with over 5-digit salary” and “fair, homely and convent-educated girls”, seem to commodify and commercialize the institution of marriage. But then, how is it different from going out to a singles’ club, blind dates or dates fixed by friends etc.?

Society makes marriage a complicated affair – So I will move past this discussion.

Does this spurt in such sites that are tailor-made for second marriages indicate that finally our hypocritical, closed society is trying to open up? Or is it simply a case of market dynamics – websites giving second marriages a fillip?

Whatever be the reason, I see this as a welcome dimension in our society. Inspite of increased awareness and education levels in our society, divorcees, widows and widowers largely remain outcast! If we, as a people, accept that we cannot snatch away the choice of a second innings from someone, I view the growing popularity of these sites as a mark of a more mature social structure that is moving away from the rigid beliefs and traditions and paving way for a much more inclusive community living!

Another interesting article that I came across mentioned that even though the second marriage market appears more skewed to men, there is also a considerable number of single/divorced/ widowed Indian women of the age of 50 and above registered at this site. This is a very heartening fact. Traditionally, re-marriage of women has always been a taboo. But, guess no longer so.

In this age of skepticism, it seems like the value of the institution of marriage, which is nothing but a socially acceptable form of mutual companionship, is here to stay - so what if a little handholding from the marriage portals is required! :)

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As I tried understanding the debates around the burqa especially in the French context here, I received many valid, well thought out, and legitimate replies – all in one way or the other against the “forced veiling”.

In a country like India, it is heartening to see educated people expressing their opinion, which is for humanity and moderation and balance. However, it is greatly disappointing to wake up to news that reads: Forced to wear burqa, teacher quits.

What is most shocking about this news is that the Students’ Union pressurized the university teacher!

What is happening to the supposedly educated youth in our country?

Why are young minds embracing religious fanaticism with such ardor?

Are they in search of a unique identity because they feel their individuality is threatened?

Has Indian politics created a whole generation of confused and misguided youngsters – rebels without any real causes?

I still remember my childhood days when religion and caste were only chapters we read in our Civics books. In school, I did not know which caste my classmates belonged to.

Through my growing up years, I had Sikh neighbors with whom I used to happily pile on for the Sunday langars at the Gurudwara; I had Muslim neighbors who were differentiated only because of the wonderful language they spoke – aap, bhai-jaan, abba-jaan – music to the ears; I had Christian neighbors who shared rich plum cakes on Christmas; and all of us together celebrated the “Hindu” festivals of Diwali and Holi!

Come the late 90s and early 2000s, as college beckoned, caste based reservations became the talk of the day. Quota seats – General seats – SC/ST – OBC – all alien terms began to invade my vocabulary.

I still remember the day I started filling out my entrance test forms - all of them asked the following disturbing questions:

Religion?

For the first time I was going to define my identity within a religious institution that had not meant much in my life so far.

Hindu, I wrote. In a fraction of a second, differences based on religion were established between neighbors.

And then the final blow that firmly established boundaries and partitions in once-innocent classrooms.

Select one of the following:

SC, ST, OBC, Others

I was baffled. I asked my dad, what I should fill in.

He said in a matter of fact tone, “Others”.

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So what’s instigated me this time around?

An innocent early morning walk in the vain attempt to renew my New Year resolution of shedding some pounds off myself!

Okay, the details now. So once in a blue moon I usually end up at this park near our place in T Nagar, usually after days and days of gastronomic indulgences. It was around 6:45 in the morning and I was slogging it out on my 10th round of the small enclosure, when I hear this dismissive reproach, obviously aimed at me, “These girls wear just anything! What is happening these days?”

Imagine the gall of the guy!

As if getting up early morning was not irritating enough, I was totally riled up and turned around to give the man a befitting reply to shut him up.

As I looked back to zero down on my prey, my anger vanished.

Haa! Here is this oldie (and need I add baldie) in a veshti/dhoti (the muslin/cotton cloth men in India tie waist down) folded half, reaching inches above his knees, and that could give tennis skirts a complex (okay, a slight exaggeration) – with his wife who’s draped in a synthetic sari that clings to her body as she walks in the Chennai heat, her entire midrib and almost half the back exposed (as is for any woman wearing a sari, and apologies for the way I describe a sari, but am sure you agree) – commenting on a girl who’s wearing Bermudas that reach below the knees, a T shirt that covers her entirely and sock and shoes!!! (the girl is me, just in case you didn’t figure it out – I like being referred to as a “girl” still, but that’s besides the point).

So, I repeat, imagine the gall of the guy or rather, uncle!

This brings me to the larger debate around the societal coercions on a woman’s dressing, specifically in the Indian context. Though, I understand India is better off compared to countries like Iran where you could be whipped for wearing a mini skirt. Read about it here.

But we are no better. Even though our law does not allow corporal punishment for women not adhering to social norms, we, as a society, leave no stone unturned to ostracize a “modern” girl (who, in the Indian context, is any girl who decides to take her own decisions when it comes to her life and being: dressing, working, marriage etc.).

What I have heard so many times myself, and only on the basis of how a girl has dressed, are the following comments ranging from subtle disapprovals to grotesque character assassinations; “She is too modern, too forward (read characterless)”, “I am sure she has lots of boy friends”, “She seems a little loose”, “Her parents have not taught her our Indian culture”, “She will never get a good house (meaning after marriage, of course!)”.

The worst demeaning assault is when provocative dressing is used as a justification for sexual harassment. So many educated people, parents, teachers, politicians are guilty of this.

Back in college, we once had Kiran Bedi talk to us about Women and Safety, and she made a statement that we girls (I was in an all girls college – LSR, DU) should dress up “like men” – hide our femininity in the garb of loose male clothing. Obviously, this did not go down well with us and a major argument ensued.

While I advocate complete freedom of dressing for women, I also admit there are some of us who dress appropriately and some others who don’t.

Wearing hot pants for a puja may not be such a great idea after all, just like I don’t understand why models should parade in bikinis in a ballroom full of tuxedo-clad men during the Miss Universe contest, have the bikini round at a beach or at the pool side instead and ensure all present are dressed in a similar fashion.

I think I digress.

However, stating that a woman asked to be eve teased given what she was wearing is preposterous to say the least.

Are men beasts who cannot control their carnal lust the minute some flesh is exposed to them?

If I wear sleeveless I am available, and if I wrap myself in a burqa I am the epitome of chastity?

Who are we trying to fool here?

I can wear 6 yards of saris all my life and be morally corrupt and I can wear shorts all my life and still retain my integrity. Is it so difficult to believe this?

While eve teasing and other such forms of sexual harassment is a much greater subject than I attempt to talk about here, one thing that I can vouch for is that the way a girl dresses has nothing to do with whether she is eve teased or not. Girls are eve teased in saris, salwar kameezes, jeans, skirts, shorts, school uniforms and even in diapers!

What is so sexually enticing about babies in nappies and girls in frocks?

There is no rationalization for the perversion of harassers and rapists. They cannot be defended. Every woman and every sane man needs to raise their voices against such miscreants.

I have heard many “sympathetic” law makers say you cannot change mindsets over night. Yes, you cannot magically wish away the social structure that still treats women as objects of possession rather than active architects of the present and the future, but you can bloody well put them behind bars, hang them, castrate them in public for all that I care – Just one or two cases of rigorous and torturous punishment is all that India needs today. One or two examples set for all the bastards will instill the fear of death and legal wrath in each one.

Maybe this is not the only solution, but it sure is one of the most efficient and impacting, especially when it comes to at least controlling such cases.

I am dressed to kill … kill barriers, kill hearts, kill social bondages - not your morals, not the human soul in you.

(Addendum: And if I am not dressed as well as you would want me to, the least you can do is not pounce on me)

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But I do not trust the hullabaloo around March 8th - International Women’s Day!

To give all that is due to the American and European feminist and socialist movements of the late seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries that fought and campaigned for equal rights for women in politics, social and economic arenas, it was a stalwart battle – well fought and well won (to a great extent).

From playing second fiddle to the patriarch to becoming world leaders and successful professionals, women have come a long way. However, there are still parts of the world where women continue to be paid lesser wages for the same labor as put in by their male counterparts and where girls are unwanted and killed at birth or in the womb. And, the so called Women’s Day makes no difference to the lives of these women.

I believe, in the initial years when the concept was institutionalized, the day was marked by protests, strikes and other events that aimed at focusing the world and media attention on issues that continue to plague the fairer sex. However, in today’s times, Women’s Day is confined to the elite celebration of the Page 3. The outrageous cocktail parties of the opulent, the extravagant sales and promotions by the retail giants, the scholarly didactic seminars and workshops by the UN and the likes - all target the woman that has already arrived or is well aware of her rights and what she can do legally or otherwise to fight for them.
But what happens to the woman in remote districts of the globe with no access to Internet or media, the woman who is abused by her husband day in and day or out, the woman who is forced to abort her female fetus, the infant who is buried because she was born with a different arrangement of chromosomes? Is this really an opportunity for them to realize their plight and do something about it? Do they see this as an occasion to revel in their womanhood? I wonder if they have heard of Women’s Day or even if they have, what it really means to them.

On a lighter note, I also feel that this whole abstraction of Women’s Day is not only overrated but also highly patronizing. I mean we have a global Women’s day to jubilate the manifold accomplishments of women but why don’t we have an International Men’s day? Surely, we have a few men as well that can boast of some exploits! Is it because all 365 days anyway belong to them and are spent in virile revelry? If yes, well my dear, I refuse to make do with one measly day – I want an equal share of the remaining 364 days as well.

In the past, especially during college days, I have recoiled at men wishing me ‘Happy Women’s Day’, but having matured over the years (or so I choose to believe) I understand that most don’t give it too much thought – for them it’s as good as another Valentine’s Day or Mother’s Day to pamper the women in their lives – I am okay with the exchanging of gifts and the elaborate dinners provided they don’t spend the rest of the year treating their wives and mothers as door mats!
As for women who make a big pomp and show of the day, I truly hope that they are happy because I strongly believe that though we have miles to go, it is a woman’s world after all :).

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The callousness and insensitivity of the law makers and law enforcers in the country (India) drive me insane.

A young girl on her way back from home late night/early morning is shot dead. Instead of focusing all effort towards nailing down the culprit, we are discussing whether women should go out in the night or not, whether they should get options to work from home or not. All these useless deliberations are disgusting to say the least. Dear CM, your city is not safe anytime of the day for person of any gender. It doesn't matter if it's 3 AM or 3 PM. Doesn't matter a man or a woman.

When a woman goes out to work and stays late to meet deadlines, she is not being "adventurous", she's being competitive in a world which is not lenient to her because of her gender and the threats it exposes her to. Sheila Dikshit's remarks simply expose the hypocrisy of the social mindset.

We want to so desperately prove ourselves to the rest of the world, we shout slogans on equality of men and women, we raise our daughters to take on the world like our sons do and then when the perverted miscreants strike, our disintegrated social thread slaps us on our faces and we are quick to recoil back into our narrow mindsets and try looking for easy answers. "We all know Delhi is unsafe - why work till late".

Yes, we also know a woman can be raped in broad daylight, we know a CEO can be lynched in front of a 100 people, we know a bomb can explode at 6:00 PM on Saturday evening before Diwali, we know we can be murdered sitting in the comfort of our house, we know we can be run over by a speeding bus or a drunk son of a business tycoon/politician. So what do we do with this knowledge repository? Just accept that we live in times of total anarchy and not work, not shop, not relax, not live life?
What makes the whole situation more hurtful is that this does not come from an ordinary not-so-educated house wife who is worried to death about the safety of her working daughter, but the Chief Minister of the capital of the country who has been elected and entrusted with the responsibility of keeping the citizens safe and punishing the criminals.

I pray to god that this time the government and the law surprise us by taking speedy action to provide justice to Sowmya because this is not about Sowmya alone, it is about Neha, Priyanka, Pooja, Yuvika, you, me and all citizens, man or woman alike.

When I step out of home I should not be worried about the uncle who is waiting to feel me up in the crowded DTC bus, I should not be tensed about eve-teasers and robbers on the 2 minute walk I might have to take alone from the bus stop to college, I should not panic when my classes or even movies get extended wondering what awaits me in the darkness of the night, I should not worry my self sick when my parents go out for diwali shopping, I should not be anxious if my daughter is held up at work in the wee hours. Is that too much to ask for Ms. Dikshit?

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